dream

My dreams are coming back to me. What I mean by that is, I'm having more and more that I remember and that tell me or help me figure things out. 2009 and 2010 were pretty much dream-free years. I'm so glad that 2011 seems to be the year of the dream come-back.

I had a dream last night. My BF from college was starting a new creative business (which is ironic because she's starting a new food business in her real life). It was something I really wanted to do and I was sort of surprised that she was starting this new venture (in my dream, not real life). She had founded the business with 2 other people and they were looking for 4 people to head 4 different teams and then I think one or two people to be on each team. i had to interview with my friend a a few other people. Here's where the dream gets dreamy-like with the weird details.

There was a creative convention being held and that's where I was going to interview. The convention was being held at the Dekalb County Farmer's Market. I went in, and was walking around and had a chance to talk to a creative professional that I admire a lot.

Let me just pause here in the dream telling to say, that I don't do well with celebrities or people who I admire from a far. I totally choke up and can't talk. I squeak...literally. It's embarrassing - I met Duran Duran once (my FAV) and squeaked at Simon LeBon - humiliating. Anyway - back to the dream....

I talked to this person and couldn't believe that I did. I learned that she was somehow connected to the job opportunity my friend told me about and I got extra nervous. I went over to my friend (who's booth was set up in the meat section of the Farmer's Market - I'm sure that means something, but I haven't figured it out yet --- I was feeling raw, maybe? Dunno.) and talked to her about the job. I wss sort of annoyed that I had to interview, but I did anyway.

Afterwards, I found Heather and Emily and my friend Charron (my core peeps right now). We were all sitting on a couch - I was in the middle and we were watching tv and we were very comfy. Behind the TV was some stairs, and the creative person that I admire came down the stairs and saw us all lounging there, very comfy, settled, happy looking. (She was also wearing a dress made out of the same fabric as a scarf Felicia received for Christmas. Weird.) I was sort of uncomfortable with her seeing me like that because I didn't want her to think that I was so comfy with my life that I couldn't change.

The next day, I saw my friend. She offered me the job, but there were catches. First, remember those 4 groups? Well 3 were alike (and I wanted one of these) and the 4th was dealing with something more challenging. When she offered the job for me, the job was to oversee the suicide division (which is not what it was when I first heard about it)....the job was essentially going to be like an art therapist (but not licensed) and working with people who had attempted (but failed, obviously) suicide. My first response to her was that this was not the gig I wanted, but I would take it if it meant doing something more creative.

Then she talked about money. It was the first time in the dream that we had discussed it. She offered a salary, that I totally expected her to offer in my dream. I explained to her that the salary part was going to be the tricky part because I made 2x (after I woke up, I realized that it was really 3x) more than what she was offering. I asked her if we could make a deal. I told her that I would keep my job now but work this in so that I could do both. I told her that I was willing to work on the weekend and figure it out. Then I went on to bargain some sort of deal about when I proved successful, I wanted something (don't remember the details) so that I could a)make more and b)quit my FT gig. She protested a bit and we went back and forth on what each other wanted/needed.

And then, my beautiful, amazing daughter came in and woke me up.

So - I'm stuck with this dream and I don't know how it turned out. But maybe my unconscious heard my darling girl coming down the hall and figured that the next part of the dream was supposed to play out in real life.

Feels like I'm ready and open for new things.

Now for my take on some of it...

The money part is a very real part, but I'm surprised and encouraged to see that I found a creative way around it, and I didn't just let go of my basic needs in order to pursue my dreams. This is something I've struggled with a lot in real life - how do I get from here to there without killing everything I've worked hard for up until now?

The suicide part is also interesting. In real life if I had taken the job as offered, not only would I have been committing financial suicide, but I probably would have also killed my relationship. Not good. I would be killing the life that I know. In my dream I wondered, "why suicide?" to myself, but looking at it awake - I see it. It wasn't about other's choices - it was about mine.

I also like the stairs scene. I am comfortable where I am right now. It's taken a bit of time and a lot of energy to get back here, but I don't want people (me) to think that I'm settled here. I can venture out - take baby steps towards something new. New York was a shell shock of a move to us - to my core, and I don't want to make that same mistake again. For my family, last year was about returning to normal, but through that process I was realizing that I wanted normal plus, or I wanted a different normal. I rocked the boat so freakin' much with moving, and I'm terrified of rocking it that much again. I think that's a lot of the friction I feel when I think about starting something, but this dream feels like clarity. I can do something different, and I can venture out and it doesn't need to be on someone else's terms - it can be on mine. I can negotiate until I know it's right for me. I can take baby steps.